Moments of Validation

Parents--and especially mothers, I think--experience many moments of doubt.  Some days, the feelings of uncertainty flow freely and can leave a person questioning their every decision, whether small or large.  Did you feed her enough vegetables?  Is co-sleeping going to make him a sociopath?  We all struggle with feelings of doubt at various times throughout our lives, but at no other time does it affect us with such intensity as in parenthood.  When these moments arise, confidence plummets.  Every truth is carefully examined for any falsehood.  But do yourself and your precious child a favor--do not give up and do not change.  You are doing everything right.  And if you give yourself just a little more time, your child will provide the validation you need.

This evening, I nursed L until he was finished.  Usually, he falls asleep and I place him in his crib, where he sleeps for a few hours if I'm lucky.  Tonight, however, he was softly giggling at me as I held him.  As even people without children could deduce, that isn't a great sign at bedtime.  I decided to gently put him down and stay close, hoping that he would fall asleep.  He became very upset but stopped crying and fussing within one or two minutes.  He struggled to get comfortable--tossing and turning and flouncing in every corner of his crib.  For five minutes, I sat beside his bed, feeling sorry for him because I have felt the same way.  Suddenly, he sat up.  He reached for the little white button on the music player attached to his crib and on came the music.  A feeling of frustration poured over me because I thought he was in play-mode.  But the frustration was quickly chased away with pride and a much-needed moment of validation when I saw that he laid himself back down, settled and fell asleep.

You see, it hasn't been an easy couple of weeks for this Mom.  More than 15 months of sleepless nights start to catch up with you at a certain point and I have not only reached that point, but also exceeded it.  For the last couple of days, I have wondered if my "attachment parenting" has been the wrong way for us.  Did I screw him up by meeting his needs too well?  Will he ever be able to sleep without my help?  Will I ever sleep again?  The truth is, I know the answers to these questions, otherwise, I wouldn't have made the decisions that I've made thus far.  But as I said, feelings of doubt will make you question everything.  

My little guy often validates my parenting choices, which is especially meaningful to me when I hear so many negative comments about the path we've chosen.  Mostly, the critiques involve a belief that a child must become independent (and quickly) and the best way to teach them that is to wean them from the breast at an early age and "sleep-train" them.  A child who is allowed to nurse on demand and who is placed close to their parents in a carrier will never be able to form a healthy independence.  And a child who isn't "sleep-trained" and who is nursed to sleep will never learn to fall asleep on his own, or so say the critics.  But thanks to L and his perfect wisdom, I can stop examining my choices (until next time!) and continue feeling secure that we have done it right because we did what has worked for us.  And every time I see him climb the sliding board without even a glance in my direction, every time he runs into another room and plays safely for several minutes without wondering where I am, every time he falls and gets back up without my help, and now every time he puts himself to sleep--I will know that what I am doing is working.

And that is all a parent wants to know.